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Thursday, September 30, 2010

Turning 29 or: How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Moment

So, I'm officially one year from 30. One year away from being halfway to 60. And I think I found my first grey hair. But I quickly buried it beneath my other hair, as to keep it from glinting under the harsh overhead lighting.

Honestly, I don't feel much different. I look at myself in the mirror and still see myself as a high school student, as a university student, and as someone still in their early 20s. I haven't quite acknowledged that I'm supposed to be an adult.

I mean, I go to work, Monday to Friday, and work a responsible job, just like a grown up, but I often don't feel like I really belong in that world.

Part of it is my constant, forever longing to go back to school. Nothing would make me happier than to be a full time student, fully engaged in learning and challenging my brain.

The one way that I know I'm growing up is that the "worry wrinkle" in my forehead is constantly engaged. I worry about money, about my future, about my loved ones, etc. I have a laundry list of things that concern me, and these are things that I didn't really give much thought to earlier in my life.

I try to live more in the moment, but I seem to be firmly entrenched in my own future, thinking and thinking and spending so much energy on wondering how things will turn out, that I forget to pay attention to the way things are now.

I'm trying, as part of my "29th year resolution", to centre myself more. To be more present and to stop either dwelling in the past, or fixating on the future. I'm going to try and just....be.

I'm sure my limited brain space could be better used. For instance, I have several novels half started, but none put to paper. And that needs to change. And the only way for me to really tap into my creative potential, is to stop worrying.

That's way easier said than done, as worrying has become a habit, and habits are hard to break (just ask me how many times I've failed to stop biting my nails...)

But I really want to stop spending time fixating on things I either cannot change or that are beyond my immediate control. These things aren't worth the prime real estate they're taking up in my brain.

Instead, I want to channel all that nervous energy into writing. If I was half as productive at writing as I am at worrying, I'd be a best selling author by now.

So that's what this 29th year will be. It will be a year of learning how to stop worrying and live in the present. It will be a year of re-directing my energy and a year of living in the moment.

And if my 29th year also turns into the year that I write my novel and find my path, then I'm not complaining.

But I'm not going to worry about it.

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